And I am so proud of myself. It’s one of the proudest moments of my life, which sounds funny to say. I’m glad I can laugh at it now.
You know, these things can go so badly sometimes, crushes. They can waste a lot of your time.
In early/mid 2025, I developed a crush on someone. This someone had some wonderful qualities, but there were other qualities that didn’t seem a good match for me, and also the person was worryingly mysterious in the way that internet friendships can lend themselves to being. At first, they seemed to be crushing on me, something they even verbally acknowledged at a later date. But after I showed interest, they pulled away. I felt I was being played with emotionally; getting hot and cold treatments which had the effect of leading me on. But I could never be certain of anything the other person intended; my mind would run over their actions constantly and come up with an obnoxious lack of clarity.
Maybe they do care! Maybe they don’t! Maybe they’re scared! Maybe if they just understood that I cared, they would try harder! Etc.
The crush felt amazing, of course; some days I was glowing with it. But as I began to read up on limerence, I started to resent the all-consuming happiness. I started to want my old life back. I refused to be one of those people I was reading about who had crushes for months or years on end. I would not desperately cling to hope to avoid the pain of reality. I would be single; I would be hopeless; but at least I wouldn’t be delusional. So I white-knuckled through the bliss and came up with a plan to end it. One way or the other.
I asked my crush on a date.
And simultaneously, I took a vacation in their backyard.
I’d never been to San Francisco. It was on my bucket list. Especially on my bucket list were the Redwoods in Northern CA, and I invited my crush to that portion of the trip as well. My crush was clever; of course they were. Would I crush on anyone who wasn’t clever? I knew that if they were intentionally playing coy with me they would attempt to prolong my uncertainty by scheduling something else overtop my visit. There’s a read of the situation where one could claim that happened, but I’ll refrain from tactless judgments. It doesn’t matter; none of it matters, that’s the brilliance of the plot! They had a 10-day window to meet me and 5 weeks of warning. Whatever my hope-addled brain told me, there was only one truth: if someone were interested in me — and more importantly, if someone were worth me being interested in — they would fucking drive a few hours to see me after I had flown all the way across the country.
They had just driven into San Francisco to meet someone else, a seeming casual friend, a few months earlier.
They would figure it out.
What happened
Nothing. They blew off my date request for 4 weeks with a “maybe,” and silence for the rest of my reminders.
The week before, I got an actual, verbal denial. And I’m lucky I even got that — there’s a story about what precipitated my getting of that, and it might not have happened in that timing. Is it possible there’s a reality where I might have been silent-treatmented right up until the date?
Ah, well, it doesn’t matter, does it?
The brilliance of the plot is I didn’t need an actual, verbal denial to get my answer. I was perfectly happy with anything as it came.
I mean, I was devestated. But I was happy about it.
The trip itself
The trip itself was fairly low-key. Since I was devestated — totally blindsided, hurt, in pain, betrayed, sobbing my eyes out at times — I didn’t put any demands on myself. I upgraded my seat in the airplane. I booked an adorable AirBnB in the Castro district. I spent a lot of time in Poesia Cafe, writing a short story I was supposed to have finished a month ago, but was too distracted by the crush to do so.
I ended up finishing it in time! Phew!
I went to the Walt Disney Family Museum to see an exhibit on Mary Blair, including originals of her iconic artwork.
I also saw a huge diorama of Disneyland, and got a kick out of the included dinosaur section of the train ride. My friends will know how much I adore this part of the train ride; it’s so unexpected.
The date
Oh yeah. I ended up doing it anyway.
The restaurant was Cotogna. I woke up at 3am to get the reservation a month in advance, because they go fast. People rave about Cotogna on Reddit. It’s Michelin-star adjascent, meaning there’s a Michelin star restaurant next door, same ownership.
I had a fantastic time. I went to City Lights Bookstore down the block beforehand, a meeting place of the beat poets, and read their poetry during dinner.
The lady on the right was amazing at her job. She was handling the food service for the entire restaurant, doing quality checks on the dishes, finishing them where necessary, and calling for help to deliver them. There’s probably a name for what she does; I don’t know it.
When I left, I told her she was awesome.
A review of my meal:
Eggplant panacotta thing: Delicious rich flavor, though the silky texture got old after a few bites.
Ravioli pasta thing: Hearty and rich, but I should have gotten a different appetizer than the panacotta because it was hitting the same notes in texture and taste.
Lamb main: Ohhhhhh my god, there was this marinated lamb shoulder thing on the right that was one of the best pieces of meat I’ve ever eaten.
Mint gelato: The pastry chef was award-winning for his gelato and this was the among the best I’ve ever had. Fresh mint. 10/10.
As part of the date, I’d bought tickets to My Fair Lady at the San Francisco Playhouse. The Eliza was outstanding! Better than Audrey Hepburn, whom I’m not a huge fan of. And it was refreshing seeing a Henry Higgins who was closer to her age, in his mid-30s. The childishness of Higgins’s character works better at that age than the 50-something of Rex Harrison. There’s a trailer below if you want to see them in action.
In the end
Happiness in reality is better than happiness in imagination. My crush is no more! The date was still enjoyed alone.
10/10, would do again.
This is the one spiteful thing I’ll say because I’ve been so diplomatic, I think, and I’m allowed a single break: I doubt my ex-crush will be asked on a date like that very often in their life. Their loss!
After four days in the city, I picked up my car rental from Turo and headed up to the Redwoods. That portion of the trip, up next.